Becoming undone

Can you orgasm in front of strangers? Then, why should you be able to birth in front of strangers…

For some reason this statement makes sense to so many. when I am asked about birth and why it is safe to birth at home, I usually follow with this statement. If anything, it grabs their attention and something opens to be able to hear what I am about to say. We have forgotten that birth is incredibly intimate, sexual, erotic, intense, and totally about being undone… It is wild. We are wild creatures when we let physiology and instinct take over. And birth is instinctive and a physiological process – Just like sex and orgasm.

You know that feeling when you afraid that you will be seen? Especially in wild moments… like sex. It is true, that if we are too much in our mind, we will not be able to let go enough to fully express ourselves sexually and orgasmically. Orgasm is an instinctive response to sexual pleasure and build up, and so to is birth. So imagine that you are about to get wild, loose a sense of control, and let physiology take over in order for you to give birth. Now ask yourself, what environment do I need to be in, in order to allow this to happen?

If childbirth educators began their classes with opening statements such as: Birth is wild, you will become undone in the process, you will lose control, and you may not recognize yourself along the way – kind of like passionate sex – I imagine all would squirm a bit in their seats and perk up to hear a totally different perspective on giving birth.  It is true, birth is magical. So much is happening during this transformative time. In order to open in a way in which the body can release this new baby, you literally must ‘loose your mind’. Now, don’t worry you are not going crazy, but you (your ego/personality/waking mind) must get out of the way so that your body can perform magic.

I want you to think about this for a moment… Are you more concerned about ‘loosing your mind’ or with the pain of childbirth? We live in a culture where we must always have our shit together, and birth, well is about not having our shit together so that we can stop controlling the process. What does need to be tended too, is the prenatal period. For tending to this time with conscious healthy choices in all realms – Mental, Spiritual, Physical, and Emotional – will indeed transmit into a healthy labor and birth. So you can trust in your bodies ability to birth your baby.

However, what happens to your body when you get uptight, withhold sexual release, constrict in fear? You can’t let go, you clench, you resist, you tense up, you enter your mind, you withdraw… all things that, if happen during labor, will slow the process down, cause complications, resist dilation, create more pain and fear. Now the good news is this, you are equipped with magical hormones that know what they are doing. They will take over, if you let them, and guide the birthing process for you.

So how do you let go, trust in the flow of labor, and allow birth to just happen?

Think about what you need in order to let go in your sexual experiences. Do you need darkness? Do you need intimacy? Do you need trust? Do you need confidence? Do you need understanding about your body? Do you need love? Do you need support? Do you need to be controlled? Do you need to be told how to ‘do it? Do you need warmth? Do you need security? Do you need enjoyment? Do you need freedom to move? Freedom to express? Freedom to make what ever sounds you wish to make? Freedom to take your clothes of? Comfort in your body? A safe space? Your bedroom? Bathroom? You can add whatever you need here… this is just a minor list. But worth paying attention to, because, this way you can start to think differently about what you may need in order to create a birthing environment conducive to you becoming undone in the process.

I will leave you with this to ponder about

Happy Birthing

Jennifer

Holding Space for Transformation

Introduction to holding the space and how I found my way…

Not too long ago, I was sitting at a gathering (a group of individuals holding council) and I found myself witnessing the dynamics of the group. I noticed all sorts of different interplays going on between all those present. Most of all, what I noticed was that the topic that was being discussed was stirring up some tension amongst the group and I pondered to myself, what is the contributing undercurrent that is causing all the tension? I felt, or rather intuited, that without first discovering what was causing the tension (the source of the conflict) that the group would have a difficult time finding resolution. In a sense, they were misusing their time spinning out stories about the presenting topic, which was only increasing the discomfort in the room.

A little internal nudge gently encouraged me to say what I was observing, with no attachment, no need for it to be the truth. Once this observation was spoken, you could feel the tension drop in the room and the group silenced itself for a bit. The groups facilitating that day, was able to drop his guard and acknowledge that yes indeed there was an underlying source conflict that needed to be tended to.

To which, the group stopped its cycle or holding pattern and decided to give space to the facilitator and the others involved to resolve the issue first, prior to returning to discuss the presented topic.  During which time, I was asked to be present for the discourse that was about to occur and ‘hold the space’ for the conflict to find resolution. It was noted afterwards that I had offered something that helped bring clarity to the group and create space for resolution to occur so that the ‘real’ work for the group could be continued without having this underlying conflict clouding the flow of the groups dynamic.

What was it that I had offered, I pondered, silently. I am not trained in conflict resolution or circle work, but I do know how to be still for human transformation, I do know how to quiet my mind and open my heart, and I do know how to offer deep listening. Mostly, what I noticed is that in this incident, I was not attached to the group. I did not need approval, or need to be right, my ego was not invested. I just noticed that something felt ‘off’, you might say the energy of the room was dull or stuck, just like when I am sitting at a birth sometimes you notice that the mother is stuck and something is getting in the way of the flow of labor. What is it that is getting in the way? What is causing the tension? Usually, there is a deeper root cause for all of this and your work, as a facilitator/counselor/witness/attendant, is to assist the other to discover what is standing in their way. What are the fears? What is the internal conflict? What is the ‘thing’ that they are most terrified of addressing or exposing?

Soon after this group experience, I was asked to facilitate another circle and hold the space for resolution to occur. It seemed that what I was doing at a birth was very transferable and therefore, I was offering a form of midwifery for the group. A member of the group approached me and asked, “How do you do what you are doing?” and I thought to myself, I am not sure how to explain how to hold space. I am just doing what I do when I sit at a birth and ‘do nothing’. So I thought to myself, if you have not sat at a birth and just witnessed the process, than I do not know how to teach what it is that I offer.

I have since then, spent time practicing this skill, mediating conflict, listening to heart stories, and continuing to attend births, all the while, contemplating how it is that I could teach others how to ‘hold the space’ without needing to attend births!

So how is it that I do what I am doing?

Never, did I realize that I was doing anything, just sitting there being present and still, until one day I was asked to teach another how to ‘hold space’. The following are just my thoughts on this process and this experience of holding space, and I hope that it offers clarity to this way of relating with others and being present for transformation. It is a story, a journey that I have been on for over 6 years now, and therefore it is told from my perspective. Remembering that it is a way, but not the only way, take what resonates with you and leave the rest for others to hear.

When I attend a birth, I am still learning how to drop out of the ego mind and allow myself to be present as the birth unfolds as it is meant too. My role as a birth ‘guardian’ (as I am referred as) is to stay grounded, present, still, aware, always trusting, never wavering, knowing intimately the realms that women traverse in labor, and being prepared to tend to the mother if needed.

Through the art of ‘doing nothing’ at a birth, all that I can do is be still and aware and notice my fears etc as they arise and let them go. It truly is a meditation, an ultimate practice in presence. All the while knowing that everything that I bring to a birth affects and influences the experience. Therefore, it is my responsibility to empty my mind and drop into a state of total trust! The thinking mind clouds the room and distracts my attention away from really being fully present (mind, body, heart, and spirit) with the woman. Really listening to her needs, following her labor, rather than making the labor flow the way I think it should, or interrupting with protocols and questioning the process to appease the mind.

This is no different for human transformation, where true deep listening is needed, and a trust in the process that never falters, all the while, bearing witnessing to another’s soul journey… in a sense, it is a test of faith that the other will find his/her way through the chaos.

Similar to that of a Shaman who stands on the sidelines, grounded in his awareness, wavering nothing, and in his center. He has the ability to go the edges, and has a deeply trusting inner knowing in the fact that we ALL FIND OUR WAY, because he too has traversed those terrains. When you hold space for human transformation, you are doing no different. In a sense, you are the shaman, the midwife, the healer, the guardian of the space.

Birth work, has been a practice, a meditation, a path to deeper understanding about human potential, the mysteries of our universe and a knowing of the Self. It is a privilege and an honor to attend a birth. I am delighted to be able to share this path and these teachings that I have gathering over the years, and most have been passed down through the ancient art of storytelling…

What does it mean to hold space? What is the art of it?

First, let’s contemplate what are he ingredients of an art form? How does one describe an art? Is it an expressive creation of the soul? Some of the ingredients that I see in the creation of ‘art’ are as follows:

• Flow
• passion
• altered states of consciousness
• creation
• expression
• vision
• soul’s work
• ecstasy
• losing oneself and becoming ‘one with’ the creation
• being in the zone
• fearing nothing
• losing the Self
• melting
• dissolving
• no-time, time ceases to exist
• fullness
• presence
• passion
• joy…

We can continue to add to this never-ending list of creative life force that is being expressed by the human!

What would ‘holding space’ as an art form look like, feel like, and be experienced as?

What I have personally experienced are as follows, however by no means, is this a completed list but rather one of constant flux, shift and movement:

• One becomes one with the group/individual
• loses herself in the flow of it all
• The soul speaks through you, your mind quiets and becomes still
• You hear nothing but the form of the experience
• You have no hidden agendas but to be present
• your only task is to show up and empty yourself
• You allow yourself to sit in the altered state, fearing nothing, trusting everything
• You see and feel, intuit, the level of the group /individual
• You become the Witness, that grounds and holds his/her center
• Chaos is exciting and breakdowns are encouraged – closer to the center, birth is near
• You speak only when your soul speaks, not to take away from the experience, but to enhance the flow if needed.
• Your ego is quiet and still, this becomes your practice.
• You are doing nothing, just witnessing… in the end, s/he or the group, births herself/themselves, you only ‘held the space’
• There is a power of the witness and holding the story is a sacred act.

How does one practice this art?

For me, discovering how to become comfortable with chaos, transition, fear, transformation, conflict, discomfort etc, within myself and within another (i.e. either through physical birthing or group dynamics or personal breakdowns) has helped me learn how to ‘hold space’ with more comfort and confidence. It has been a practice and a journey; it has become my spiritual path. Below is a small list of some thoughts that came to mind, when asked the above question – How does one learn/practice holding the space?

• Let it become your spiritual path
• Let the teachings permeate your soul
• As any form of meditation, when you are in a space of deep listening, notice your attention, notice your hidden agendas, notice your fears, notice your ego, notice how you want to do something, say something and learn the art of discernment… when to come and when to stay still.
• Notice how you feel in your body – at the beginning, the middle, and the end.
• Pay attention to the feeling in the room, the smells in the air, the sounds of the voices, the depth of the cries, the patterns in the group, the little nuances, the intuition
• Discover the stuckness and ask for clarity-both in the other and in the Self
• Pay attention to any awareness’s arising within, any ‘keys’ being disclosed and place it in your heart, waiting for the time to present itself when you need to share
• Let your heart be on fire, feel it burn and expand and let your mind quiet and follow
• Have no attachments… you cannot be attached to wanting to say the right thing, wanting to be liked, wanting to not cause conflict or hurt another’s feelings. Sometimes you are guided to say shit that can disrupt the others comfort zone… the comfort zone needs to be challenged sometimes.
• TRUST always, never wavering… you are the tree, the guardian of the space, the rooted one who fears nothing.
• Learn about endurance, become a soul with stamina
• Therefore, find a practice that challenges you to experience all of this! Birth work has been mine, and so, what is yours?
• Know, deep in your soul, that we all find our way… and we are born anew, always!

The power of doing nothing

I have mentioned a few times now this art of ‘doing nothing’. So let us go into this statement in more depth. How can you sit at a birth and ‘do nothing’? Really, is it not dangerous, what if something goes wrong, is it not the purpose of the attendant to do something, prevent something from happening, and deliver the baby? Is that not what hospitals are for, is that not why we, women, have been handing our power over to the ‘other’ so that they can do something and take away our pain, that which challenges us?

Well, for some it may be true, they may prefer to have another do the work for them, think for them, and deliver for them-and that is all good and right, for those who do not want to go into their experience and find their power and give birth to themselves or their baby. However, for those who truly are invested in finding their power, finding their voice, finding their way through their pain, finding courage, finding joy, and love… For those who are committed to wanting to discover resolution, working through their ‘shit’ so to speak, and really releasing themselves from old stories that are no longer serving in their live; well for those people, having someone DO SOMETHING and interrupt your personal birthing journey will only be disempowering. Rather, by doing nothing, as a witness to ‘birth’ you create a container that holds space for the other to travel to the deep places within and come through the other side feeling elation knowing that they found their own way and no one did it for them! This is true empowerment.

Therefore, doing nothing means that the ego is not invested nor running the show, but rather the experience itself is guiding the process and you, who are holding the space, are following the ‘labor’ so to speak. Yet, by doing nothing you are actually doing something, you are choosing to do nothing. It is a a paradox indeed. And you are doing nothing, but from a place of knowing everything and understanding everything, therefore you can truly let go.

Zen teaching… the Tao of Midwifery

“And so…

The Midwife completes her work by doing nothing.

Things arise and she lets them come,

Things leave and she lets them go.

Creating, not processing,

Facilitating, yet laying no claim.

And when her work is done, she forgets about it, and so it lasts forever!”

Begin by contemplating this quote, replacing the word Midwife with whichever qualifier you relate to. Each sentence could be a year of practice and contemplation. Then you think you understand, and another layer presents itself and you become undone again. This quote has been one of my most dedicated contemplations over the years, especially the concept, how to attend a birth and do nothing…

How do you sit with another person in transition or group in conflict and DO NOTHING?

I will end with this thought, the act of doing nothing is in fact doing something, and it is just an internal doing-ness, a deep profound letting go and trusting in all that is J

Some of the most powerful teachings/statements by Whapio that have helped me practice this art and find my way through my own chaos and heart’s transitions!

• As we live we Midwife, and As we Midwife we Live
• Do Nothing
• Trust the process
• Follow the labor
• We all find our way
• Presenting problem vs Source conflict
• Politics of the Heart – let your enemy in
• Love is all there is
• Manage your energy, and use your power wisely
• Know yourself – and then get out of the way
• Live on the edge and at the center at the same time
• Birthing women are masters of navigating the altered states – become a master at this and do not fear the altered state and that which is chaos.
• Become un-conflicted, and only congruent and centered
• The Wise women way of healing
• Witness vs Observer/Participant
• Have no hidden agendas
• Know everything about the universe
• Meet the other where they are at
• Ideologies vs Ideas
• T.E.A – Time Energy and Attention
• Rank, Power, and Privilege

In closing, I would like to say that to be asked to hold space for another, whether it is for a birth of a baby or the birth of the group or soul, is a true privilege, and demands the deepest levels of respect and humility. It is a process of undoing, and an honor to be witness too.

If you are called to hold the space for a group and/or an individual’s transformation, know that you are about to embark upon a journey of great self-discovery, as are they, and it is your choice to show up for this calling.

One can continue to work as a facilitator, Counselor, Leader, and/or Healer following protocol, following the mind, following the ways to do things orderly and contained. They may continue to believe that they are in control of the process and really needed in the process. Maybe they are practicing like a care-giver who goes in and delivers the baby for the mother and therefore, in the end, always believes that without them, the mother would never be able to give birth. Recognize that this mindset is NOT about holding space, but rather about disrupting the space, disempowering the other, and laying claim to the birth.

This practice of holding space that I am speaking of is meant to push your boundaries and comfort zones as a facilitator or witness, otherwise, you will not bring the necessary depth to the experience and in the end, find ways to disrupt the process and take it over, due to your own internal fears, discomforts, and impatience. Again this is all perfect, if this is where you are at, and yet, I challenge you to claim this path of awakening so you too, can hold the space for human transformation in love, rather than fear.

Ecstatic Birth – What is the point? Who really cares?

I was asked the other day the following questions…

Why even bother talking about ecstatic birth?

Why does it really matter?

Why would women want to hear this?

Birth does not need to be a sexual experience, but giving birth IS a sexual experience.  In other words, you don’t need to have an orgasmic birth, pain free birth, or ecstatic birth to experience the sexual nature of labor and birth. But it is wise to know that giving birth is part of your sexuality, part of your sexual continuum.  Lets take a look at the sexual elements of birth and you will see these common components in almost all births:

• erotic sounds
• body positions and postures
• women instinctively wanting to ‘touch’ themselves
• after glow
• arch of the body
• shape of her mouth
• eyes rolling back
• body scent
• hormones
• ejection reflex – similar to the orgasmic reflex

As you can see, without even realizing it or thinking about it, birth is instinctively a sexual expression.

I believe that when we embrace the journey of conception, pregnancy, labor and birth from this perspective women can tap into the wholeness and potential of giving birth consciously, in a state of profound surrender and pleasure rather than from a disjointed and painful place.

When the fullness of this feminine journey is honored, you can become empowered and when you are in your power you will make choices that no longer dis -empower, no longer give your birth away to some governing body that claims to know more than you … by accepting the erotic ecstatic and sexual nature of birth you may begin to honor this journey differently.  Claiming your ‘rights’ and expressing yourself in strength and courage, rather than fear and pain.  By accepting the sexual nature of birth and becoming comfortable with this notion and statement, you are already altering the experience you are about to have!

The medical institution has de-sexualized pregnancy and birth – all for good reasons – to maintain power over and control of the birthing woman! Deeper yet, culturally, we have tried to remove the sexual nature of humanity as being something very real, raw, human, and normal… instead we pushed it aside and underground, sexuality is now expressed through magazines, billboards, pornography, internet, erotic books, underground clubs etc.  And to really claim our human sexuality as something very normal is still quit taboo! Therefore, it is not shocking that accepting the sexual nature of birth is also taboo and a force that has been pushed down, ignored or controlled.  Hard to trust our sexual nature if all around we are told to distrust this power, told it is dangerous, shamed for it, or abused by it.

It is worth considering the truth that birth is inherently a sexual experience, not as something to strive towards but rather, as a truth to surrender into and experience for yourself.

The journey of pregnancy and birth is a woman’s vision quest – if she so chooses to embark upon it with that mindset.  And in here in lies the paradox:

Birth is simple, straight forward, a matter of fact, physiological and instinctive, life giving and in the end, the mother gives birth, claims her baby, and life goes on.  It does not need to be anything special, because it happens every minute of the day..

And yet…

Birth turns a woman inside out, transforms her from the maiden into a mother, challenges the core of who she is and what she is made of… it is one of the most powerful transformational experiences we women will experience… IF we want it to be!

It is a moment in a woman’s life when nothing really changes, and yet, EVERYTHING changes! To some it really is no big fucken deal… women give birth period, stop fussing about it!

And yet,

To others it is everything, to be fully embraced and experienced to its peak potential!

And therefore, what I am proposing is that we seriously pause for a moment and ask ourselves:

“How do we/you want to give birth to this next generation?”

In Love and Consciousness – Awakened

or

In Fear and Numbness – Asleep

To embrace the fullness of pregnancy and birth (and the sexual nature of birth is part of this) means that you are choosing to embrace the potential and fullness of ALL of who YOU ARE!  Tapping into your birthing power and potential, i believe, opens doors for you to tap into your human potential.  Furthermore, assists in developing the courage and strength to tap into the depths and grace of the human heart and the energy of love!

When you surrender to the sexual flow of labor and birth, allowing your body to be flooded with the love making hormones, you will be basked in love and in return, fear & pain will decrease.  And yet, having said all of this, you cannot give birth from the mind, you cannot make your birth sexual, you cannot will it or even intend it… it just is, and in trusting this process and trusting your body, your birth will unfold as it is meant to unfold.

You can only surrender to the experience of your birth, in excitement and trust, knowing that your body and baby know what they are doing.  Just as you finally let go in the throws of love making, as you leave your mind and engage the present pleasure, enter fully into the experience and sensation of erotic love making… You choose to do the same in labor and birth!

Birth is meant to push boundaries, push your comforts, pull your attention towards the intensity, asks you to be fully present, challenges you, sends you into chaos etc! AND how you choose to deal with all of this determines your journey.  It provides you with an opportunity to find your power, find your voice, connect with your body, be awe struck, fall in love, and feel ALIVE.

Birth was never meant to be an experience that you need to escape from, but rather a journey of courage (heart) and excitement, passion, and power and to be embraced with full attention.

In any moment you are able to be who you are, deeply and without effort, fulfillment is perfect, love is complete, freedom is endless. David Deida

So, I am asking you, what you want to experience in your labor and birth? Why you want to experience your birth in that manner? What is of essential importance to you? Why does giving birth in all of its power really matter to you? What are you going to do to prepare yourself for this powerful time? And in the end, how are you going to use this journey as an opportunity to find ways to live from the heart?

Birth is Sexual… Part 2

Here I go again. stirring shit, wanting to really speak to this topic. Not because I am some expert nor because I have had some crazy orgasmic birth! Do I believe that birth is a sexual experience or sexual expression – absolutely! Do I believe that every woman should have a sexual birthing experience, not at all. I want to bring to your attention that making a statement such as “birth is sexual” is bold and holds huge responsibility to actually be willing to talk about the truth of this statement and all the crap that can be thrown at ones way…

It appears that the idea of ‘orgasmic childbirth’ or ‘ecstatic birthing’ is becoming trendy, at least within the natural birthing culture.  Mainstream is still mocking this notion, however, their curiosity has been peaked for sure thanks to the movie orgasmic birth http://www.orgasmicbirth.com/what-is-orgasmic-birth! Numerous women are making statements such as:

“I want to have an orgasmic birth”

“have an erotic birth”

“ecstatic birth”

and these women are saying it with such confidence and declaration, and conviction. And i see care givers rolling their eyes, silently snickering in the background – oh, you foolish child you, you just wait and see – kind of attitude. I get totally pissed off at this kind of response and behavior, and yet, I understand completely why many would question the reality of women giving birth in ecstasy.

Of course if you look at today’s birthing trends, it does not take some PhD to notice that it would be impossible for anyone to orgasm under those circumstances! And yet, having said that, I also notice that I too feel a bit frustrated internally when I hear women declaring this desire. Not because I don’t believe it is possible, because I wonder if ‘these women’ are ready and prepared to do the necessary work to experience their erotic birth?

I wish it were true that most women could just relax enough and BAM, they get their painfree ecstatic experience.  However, this is not the case for most. First of all, understanding the physiology of birth, the necessary internal and external environmental needs is crucial. And I would add to that, that being in a loving and sexually satisfying relationship is also necessary to help facilitate that quality of release during labor and birth.

So now we need to be prepared to talk about birth, talk about sex, and talk about relationship issues. When I was first studying to teach childbirth classes there was a small section about the sexuality of birth and it basically said to consult a counselor and to not bridge the topic because there is too much pain there.

hmm makes me wonder, if there is too much pain their, then is it any wonder that there is too much pain in childbirth? remember we cannot separate the two.  So it almost seems pointless to teach about natural birth and then, leave out the sexual essence of it all!  If birth is left to be natural, then in actuality it is sexual. So really, we should be having sex classes instead. and then, relationship classes and then, conflict resolution classes all before we even talk about birth! I don’t know, just a thought, maybe a bit over the top but I am sure you get what i mean.

I was reminded recently, that not only has birth been de-sexualized (for the comfort of the caregivers, in my opinion. You can’t control an orgasmic woman, and why would you EVER want to and that is exactly what we are trying to do with the management of birth) but so has pregnancy.

Not surprising though, we are seeing more and more ‘sexy’ pregnant clothing being sold and worn. Women want to look and feel sexual, and pregnancy oozes sexiness because you are creating life. And yet, we are told to dress sexy, but many women still fear sex during pregnancy. When in fact, the more sex you have (the more love and connection between you and your partner) the healthier you will be.

No question about it, birth is a kind of vision quest, one that sends you deep into another planet.  Just like when we are in the throws of pleasurable sex, we become completely obliterated and let go of our ordinary reality, the same holds true for labor and birth. So practicing to let go, trust the process and trust your partner and your Self for that matter is part of the ‘training’ ahead of time.

So what if you are new to all of this? Hearing about birth being sexual makes you feel weird and uncomfortable. I was there, i know that feeling oh so well. Would have rather kept the two separated, and the thought of orgasming in front of strangers, freaked the shit out of me. And yet, I now know that the ‘safest’ and most ‘natural’ way to give birth is to be able to engage the ecstasy of the experience. Because when the hormone Oxytocin is flowing and you are in the moment of it all, totally released and in that ‘altered state’ of physical bliss NOTHING CAN GO WRONG!

I am determined that when we culturally re integrate birth as a sexual experience, we will see a huge decrease in birth complications and an increase in bonding, love and connection between the Mother, Partner, and Child! This I believe will change our planet. This is my rant for the day…

Blessings

Jen

Using the metaphor of birth to handle any life challenging experience

My dear friend Whapio, often quotes:

“Midwifery is the study of life and as we live we midwife, and as we midwife, we live”!

A powerful statement to ponder indeed, and these past 5 years have been dedicated to contemplating these words.  It seems each year they penetrate more deeply.  To study birth is the study of life, in other words, as you stand witness to the powerful transformative process of birth you gain a deeper understanding of our Universe and us, as humans. Often times when I am going through challenging experiences in my life, Whapio has said to me,

“At what stage of labor are you in? And, how are you going to embark upon this journey? And, what choices are you going to make? Are you afraid of birth? So why be afraid of life? And what exactly are you birthing?”

This metaphor has been so incredibly helpful for me throughout my life as a mother, woman, friend, lover etc.  However, it a recent trans-formative experience (and am still being penetrated by the depths of it) where I was able to embody the Truth in these words.  I would love to share parts of this journey with you.

Labor as a metaphor for life...another way to handle internal conflict, and the story unfolds as such:

In the beginning, when you just know you have been presented with something so powerful and deep that a huge transformation is about to occur but you are unsure how you are going to make it through… you experience the pull and the force of labor, the aches in your mind and heart begin to pull with more regularity that you are aware of the fact that you cannot turn this off anymore… this is the process of embarkation, and the journey is about to begin and you consciously step into it, into the unknown of how this birth is going to unfold.  This is exactly what I recently did with a huge presenting situation that pulled on my heart-strings and soul, so deeply, that there was no ignoring the power of this force.

As you begin, as with any labor, you may feel moments of panic, fear, distrust, concern, anxiety, excitement, need to chat and share, tears, anger, sadness, joy, but there is an uneasiness that stirs within and the pulling and aching begins to pull harder… the contractions become stronger, the rushes of waves run through you with greater force and you just can’t turn the  pulse off.

You move from the world as you know it into a world of altered states, a world of total possibility, a world where birth occurs!  You CHOOSE to take this plunge and continue to go forth, following your labor, following your heart in deep desire for the birth to occur. You are willing to undergo anything, at times, to get to the other side of this and be transformed and receive your birth/baby.  I noticed the same urge, the same force and pull, and it was frightening!  The pain was deep, I wasn’t sure if I had the courage to go forth with this labor… but something just kept encouraging me to go along and face the labor in total trust.  And, this is when I “entered the veils” .

At this point, a woman in labor could stay there for many days or hours, there is a comfort in the rhythm and for some, the intensity is just enough to handle and the thought of more to come may seem too overwhelming… and yet, most still choose to go forth deeper into this world of unknown, allowing whatever emerges to surface.

Hopefully, facing it in love and surrender.  Again this is a choice to go deeper and step “between the worlds”, and it feels as if there is no turning back.  Labor is going, you are 5cm or beyond.  There is a constant wave of contractions, a reminder that you are on a journey of birth – “stay FOCUSED, don’t get distracted by your thoughts, your fears, your emotions, STAY WITH THE LABOR AND WITNESS WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.  You know you are doing well here, but you also know that you are going to have to face birth, you will need your heart and strength to bring forth new life… you must keep moving forward.”, says a voice.  And so, again, I hit a point of no return, my labor was progressing and so was the intensity! And because of my deep love for wanting to be born anew, I kept trusting and finding my courage to go forth.

WHOA! Too intense, TOO MUCH, NO MORE please, I can’t go on anymore-these are all words that women have expressed during transition.  A time when you, as women, are open the widest you can possibly be. You are vulnerable, you are so outside of your comfort zone that you want to jump out of your skin, you breakdown (a small death), you want out and at the same time, all you really need is a loving presence within and outside of you that can uphold you during this time of total chaos.  I wanted out, I was too far gone in my labor of life, I had shared too much, exposed too much, too vulnerable, too frightened, little courage to continue forth and I was loosing my center, no one could do this for me and all I had was an inner trust to keep going. I knew at that moment that I was in transition, something HUGE was about to be born, I was about to undergo a huge transformation and all was still in the unknown… All there was, was a trust in my ability to give birth to the Self.  And this, was so important to me that I found all of my courage to face one of my deepest fears and speak my truth.

There was a moment of pause before this occurred, a mini quiescence of grace and prayer to gather my center and find my voice.  I knew the moment to come was going to change my life forever, therefore, I needed to conjure all of my strength and trust that I was going to find my way through this mess.

The speaking of my fear, the sharing that needed to occur was not the birth, however it was the “bringing down of my baby” it was the push!  The transition, was the summoning of my courage, the no turning back.  I wanted an INTERVENTION badly.  I actually thought I was going insane, for a moment.  However, once the emergence began (the downward pushing, grounding force of birth) that power held me together and kept me focus.  I just stood back and witnessed myself being birthed, I witnessed it all in disbelief and most of all, that I was still alive!

Now, the pushing took a bit longer than my usual physical births, there were more people involved than just me, so actually, there were moments of standing still, waiting, witnessing what was trying to emerge but still unsure how this was going to look and what part of me was being born through this process.   The push was painful indeed (not that it has to be) but this is where I would get a bit “stuck” and slow down the process because the intensity was too much to bare.  However, I was so eager to get through the labor, knowing full well that the end was near!

Crowning is usually short and full of ecstasy and a force so strong that you sometimes need to be grounded, you are so close! During my crowning, I had done what needed to be done, I faced all that I was afraid of, I faced rejection, liberation, love, fear, pain in myself and others, old patterns, old beliefs, and most of all, I faced my self that had been bound so tightly for years I faced that pain… so close, a few more rushes of loving life force to bring forth this new being.

And in the final release, as the baby slides through you, of you, and out of you… you feel the amazing euphoria and you are filled with gratitude, love, and joy! You did it, you found your way, you are forever changed.  Every cell in my body has undergone a transformation, I am alive on levels that I have never felt! I have unbound my life force that has been tied so tightly for years.  I have emerged and have gained a deeper understanding of myself, life, and human potential and I feel that courage and a deep knowing and trust that all of us our capable of finding our way, and it was this wisdom, the only force that kept me going!

I am now in the postpartum, my body aches, my euphoria is slowly wearing off, my hormones and cells are trying to find equilibrium again, my heart is so wide open in love and bliss, I am trying to make sense of what just occurred, I am in a state of needing deep nurturing, and I am needing my story to be witnessed and I am getting so excited to share my transformed Self with my community! As a mother would want to share her new baby!

I am in such deep gratitude and love for those who held this space for me, who witnessed this journey from a place of love, who honored my needs, who made choices from a higher place rather than from fear and ego, for those who wouldn’t feed my drama and knew how to give loving advice and encouragement, I was deeply Midwifed by friends and loved ones, and NO ONE told me how to birth, how this should unfold, and most importantly, I believe that all of those who were involved on some level deeply trusted this process and handed the power back to Me!  Thank you.

And so, as we live we Midwife and as we Midwife, we live … Birth is the study of life and Life is the study of TRANSFORMATION … this kind of shit is what changes the planet!

And so it is…

Practicing the Tao…

The other day, my friend Tad Hargrave, offered me a wonderful book called The Tao of Leadership.  I love the Tao as a spiritual practice and meditation, each word seems to send me into an altered state.  The Tao offers spiritual perspective for birth and midwifery.  In this book, there is a page called “Being a Midwife” and I would like to share this writing with all of you since it speaks deeply about the soul of midwifery!

Being a Midwife

“The wise leader does not intervene unnecessarily.  The leader’s presence is felt, but often the group runs itself.  Lesser leaders do a lot, say a lot, have followers, and form cults.  Even worse ones use fear to energize the group force to overcome resistance.  Only the most dreadful leaders have bad reputations.

Remember that you are facilitating another person’s process.  It is not your process. Do not intrude. Do not control. Do not force your own needs and insights into the foreground.  If you do not trust a person’s process, that person will not trust you.

Imagine that you are a midwife; you are assisting at someone else’s birth.  Do good without show or fuss.  facilitate what is happening rather than what you think ought to be happening. IF you must take the lead, lead so that the mother is helped, yet still free and in charge.  When the baby is born, the mother will rightly say: “We did it ourselves!”

Oh, so wonderful it is to listen to these words.  They speak about Truth. Lets look at this statement for a moment “if you do not trust a person’s process, that person will not trust you!” Now, sitting in deep contemplation about this truth, I realize that Midwives, are given such honor and privilege to be present during a woman’s vision quest.  What are you, as Midwife, bringing to the birth?  Fear? Doubt? Disrespect? Protocol? Lack of trust? Skills? Tools? Responsibility?

Yes, these may sound negative, but it is these deep emotions or motivations that distract the Midwife from fully engaging and trusting a woman’s process.  Therefore, when a Midwife lacks deep internal knowing and trust in the birthing woman’s ability to find her way and birth her child, she in return, loses faith in you, the Midwife, and therefore, trust in her self.

I believe that the absolute essence a Midwife brings to a birth is that profound respect and Trust not just in birth, but in each individual Woman.  A belief, that  the mother is capable, autonomous, and the only authority of her baby, body and birth!  As Midwife, you witness and hold that space in Trust, as each Woman finds her way and embodies trust in herself!

As I speak this I reflect on a recent birth I attended in which I was given an opportunity to embody this Truth.  At one point I sat in contemplation about what it really means to trust birth?  And, as time stood still (a usual occurence during labor and birth) a knowing penetrated my being and it was said that this is not about trusting birth, witnessing women give birth is about trusting Women!

With that, everything shifted.  responsibilities were lifted.  Any thoughts about “needing to do anything”, gone.  And a new power emmerged in the room as A Mother, after a long labor, found her power and her way and brought forth life.  I was gifted with this new insight and a deep understanding about what it really means to trust women in labor.  And I knew that the roll of the Witness, is to sit as a solid presence in the birthing space, holding trust and total love, as a woman unravels entirely, dissolves, and expands and in the end, finds her power to birth!

And so it is…

The Tao of Motherhood & Midwifery

“A wise mother does not unnecessarily interfere with her child’s life.

Your children have their own process-their own thoughts, feelings, and reactions – which must be allowed to unfold.

If your childhood was painful you may get over-involved with your children’s lives and smother them.  Or you may find yourself forcing them to think and feel the way you do, to adopt all your values and live the life you wish you had.

If you do not trust your children’s process, your children cannot trust anyone or anything.  Your confidence in them builds their confidence in themselves.

Assist your children in such a way that they think, “We did it ourselves!” (The Tao of Motherhood – Vimala McClure)

Now…

replace  the word “children” with laboring woman and “mother” with Midwife and read from this perspective!

“As we live we Midwife, and as we Midwife we live” (Whapio)

A wise midwife does not unnecessarily interfere with a laboring woman’s journey.

Women in labor have their own process-their own thoughts, feelings, and reactions – which must be allowed to unfold uninterrupted.

If your birth and/or training was painful you, as midwife, may get over-involved with a laboring woman’s birth and smother her.  Or you may find yourself forcing her to think and feel the way you do, to adopt all your values and have the birth you wish you had, or the birth you had.

If you do not trust the laboring woman’s process, the Woman cannot trust her birth.  Your confidence in her, as Midwife, builds her confidence in herself as the birthing mother.

Midwife your Mother’s in such a way that they think, in the end “I did it myself!”

(The Tao of Motherhood – Vimala McClure)