Gazing into my soul… a journal entry Oct. 2007

I use to write in my journal all the time, it was my friend, my solace, my peace.  I would curl up in the evening or during the day, as I took a break from the children, and I would write.  I would write from the heart, no censoring, only the truth that moved me at that time.

What amazes me about journal writing is that I notice themes and patterns, I see that for years, I was writing about the same story… the same stuckness and asking the same questions.  And then, voila, I would notice something shifting in my journal entries, there was a new vision, a new sense of self, a breakthrough and the story would evolve.  I also notice that when I write, I tend to write in 1st, 2nd and 3rd person.  I alternate between these positions, as if someone is talking to me and I am writing what I am hearing.  When I write in third person, it is not me who is writing to the other, but rather the other writing to me.  Here is a journal entry that I wrote in Oct. 2007 and I happened to read it today and I am moved to share it, completely unedited…(taking note that to share the soul’s process is a vulnerable position – therefore, I am unsure why I am sharing except that it is what I was inspired to do in this moment)

“As I ponder what exactly I am doing with my life, I spin more and more webs of possibilities.  That is what these are, total possibilities each with different paths – which is it? To trust entirely that there is a greater purpose.  To let Spirit move me, speak through me, to be a conduit for the Creator, to with with full awareness that this Life Force called “Spirit, God, Creator, Force” is pulsing through me and is participating in ‘my’ life.  Then to act from that place with that kind of focus, love and energy… Does this “God” really have a plan for us? Me? In a way that is silly ot believe.  I think the only ‘plan’ God has created for each of us individually is that we fully express our human self and embrace both the darkness and light which exists in us all.  To love non-conflicted and with meaning.

I can be passionate about many different ideas, things, people… like love, we can love many.  However, really committing to one individual, one lover, one partner investing everything into it – transforming the Self and the relationship can bring you to Freedom.

And so, it really doesn’t matter which path I take.  The point is to fully invest myself, my whole being, unconditionally.  There is no right or wrong path or choice.  There is just that… CHOICE.  And each choice has an experience of its own.  It is what we do with these experiences and how we interpret them that matters.  Spirit is all about experiencing through the human vessel.  The array of stories, feelings, thoughts, and lives makes for a colorful world.  However, ultimately how do we, the I which knows all, the I above the personality – How does this I shift how it perceives an experience?

If indeed it is all an illusion, or a dream, than the I can choose how it wants to experience its ‘reality’.  Break the programming, hack the code.  The mind code that is… where there is a will there is a way.

Again, faced with great choice and change.  How do I decipher between running away, fear, and real intuition?  Time for the new?

My patterns – I am passionate about something so I invest everything into it, until it is no longer passionate for me, (i.e., fastball, sport psychology, birth and midwifery, nutrition all invested in with the hope and belief to finally become something… somebody)

All with the quest for meaning, to emerge and now, her I am at another crossroads – to keep pursuing midwifery with in a school that is recognized and finally become a registered licensed midwife that can ‘get a job’. After all, isn’t that why I have been doing this? But something is stopping me, I feel limited by this, the passion dissipates.  Catching babies just to catch babies is not motivating me.  Actually, it frustrates me.  Why, because I am watching women give their power away, be victimized, be abused, give up etc.  I stand witness for the most part of an era of Women not claiming their power of birth; and because their are so few who are wanting to create change and claim their birth it feels like a waste of time, energy, and resources to study formally to become a “midwife”.

And so, I peer into my soul and ask myself now what? Soul quest… Soul Midwifery!  What i ti is that really moves me? when I teach, what am I offering? -The birth of the Self? The birth of the Soul? The story of the Soul?

The transformation of the Soul and the Self.  The human capacity to live life fully… to express our human potential and love it!

To witness this process and to stand at the gate of the emergence of the birth of the Self, the Soul and the Spirit.  Whether this be at a physical birth or a spiritual birth or a passing over or rather passing through the veil.  The veil of illusions…

And so, now what? What is the path tha twill allow this meaning and desire for each individual human on this planet to birth and be witnessed?  what is my path? What is the next step? Psychology? Counseling? Humanities? Philosophy? Spirituality? What?

To really trust this process, to trust that I have already emerged and that this next step is one of reunion.  A re – union of the Self, the heart and the Soul.  That the quest, to quest, is the journey.  Is the becoming, the becomed, the I am.  No longer needing to become something in order to prove my worth and talent in the world!

Becoming something other than Myself is not authentic and will not give me anymore worth, confidence, or proof that I matter and that I am important.

And so, if I am no longer concerned or preoccupied with becoming a ‘something’ than what program or what is my next phase of pursuit? what is going to best serve my hearts desire for self – realization and fulfillment and how can this best serve the planet?

This next phase is to fine tune my skills.  To hone them and find their strength, power, and beauty and grace and then to start using them with confidence, connection with Spirit/Source and with compassion and humility.  To serve myself, my family, an the planet for this next evolution of the human species.

And so, I ask the Creatrix, the Great Self, for guidance in this process.  That i receive clarity and ease regarding my next chioce and that I enter it with total trust, commitment and be totally non conflicted.

when looking at my options I ned to ask how does this serve my intentions? Is this in alignment with my entire being? Am I interested because I will ‘become something’ when I am done? Or am I motivated because this will bring all of my skills abilities and intentions in alignment so I can fully express my life?  Now go back and re view again open to all and pay attention along the path…

And so it is.


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