Suicide, brought about by a deep desire to end ones pain and suffering. A belief that the only option left is death; a deeper belief yet, that in death, the tormented cycle of pain will stop.
Suicide is not something that is lightly considered.
I speak about this because I walked this edge. I went to the pit of despair and anguish, and I flailed in the quicksand of pain and suffering.
All I could see and experience was my very own psychological and soul pain. Everything was black and gritty. The emotional pain was overwhelming and far more intense than any physical pain I had endured. The resistance to the emotional despair, in my opinion, increased the intensity of the manic mind-scape. Images over and over again of needing to ‘saw of my head’ (which meant blow my brains) were real and haunting. I was trapped and in this trapped state, it felt impossible to consider anything or anyone else besides myself.
In a state of terror, I truly believed that my mind had gone mad and that there was no real way out of this tormented place. It was here, in this place of darkness, that I came to understand (at least a fraction) of what people face just before suicide.
It is for this reason that sitting with someone stuck in suicidal darkness does not scare me. I experience an enormous amount of compassion for their inner pain and an unwavering trust and belief that there is a way out. My role is to listen and understand; to hold their state in loving awareness. Although the pain is not mine, I can only imagine the intensity that lives within their soul.
I had an anchor. Thankfully. Although the images were real and often, I spent many nights visualizing how I would end my life (aka suffering). I would flow the visualizations of suicide all the way to beyond my death. I saw the impact it would have had on my children and family. I saw the long term implications.
To my surprise, a part of me came face to face with the possibility that my soul and psyche would not experience the repose it was craving. In other words, it was very possible that ending my life would not end my pain.
This notion shifted something profound in me.
If it were true that suicide would not end my suffering than what would? If death was not the answer, than what was?
It is fair to say that from this point forward, suicide was no longer an option. Therefore, I was determined to find hope; to find healing; to find my way through this dungeon I was trapped in. I had to believe that I was programmed, on a cellular level, to heal. I had to believe that I could, and would, make it through the ‘eye of the needle’.
There are so many myths and tales of the ‘dark night of the soul’ and I was committed to not letting my psyche take my life from me. I trusted these tales and furthermore, I found my own anchor of truth: Birth and my Children.
Because I knew how to give birth, because I trusted without a doubt in the physiology of childbirth, and because I understood the teachings of Spiritual Midwifery, birth became a tangible metaphor to guide my way for healing. Each day my courage and determination grew, and each day, I moved slowly away from the darkness within, towards a life of hope and peace.
Which brings me to today and an experience I have had with a client ….
Recently I was asked to step in and support someone in need. We will call him Daniel. Daniel had been suicidal on numerous occasions, with a few unsuccessful yet painful attempts, and had been released from the hospital after another overdose attempt. Since our introduction Daniel walked the edge of suicide 4 more times.
Daniel has been diagnosed with a few different `mental illnesses`however, my experience of Daniel is that he is very perceptive and reasonable. He is stuck and has been suffering for some time now. No one was hearing him. He has been in and out of the hospital for almost a decade now. He had never been offered individual counseling in all those years. The medical establishment merely prescribed medication. Clearly medication has not provided any healing nor has it reduced the tendency for Daniel to turn to suicide when his pain bubbles to the surface.
Our system has failed and Daniel was slipping through the cracks.
During Daniel`s 4th suicide contemplation since we were introduced, he choose to call me and I shared this insight:
For what reason are you wanting to end your life?
The answer: To end my pain and suffering because I can’t bare to feel it anymore
What if there is no 100% guarantee that you will be successful at ending your pain and suffering?
The answer: I would not kill myself, what would be the point. Whoa. This is huge. I never thought of that before. I just believed it would end my pain. But the thought of it not ending my pain terrifies me more than facing my pain.
Since one cannot know with absolute certainty what happens after suicide, it is possible to believe that suicide will not end one’s pain and suffering. Our beliefs about ‘life after death’ are merely that, beliefs. Those beliefs are based on information we have gathered throughout our lives and influenced by our culture, religion, school, friends, media etc.
It is very possible for a person who believes that we are only a physiological body with a brain, and once dead, we are nothing but organic matter that is returned to earth; that suicide most likely would end pain and suffering.
However, for those who believes that humans are far more than just a brain and body, and that humans are energetic conscious spiritual beings that exist in a physical body; then one might argue that soul suffering and pain may be carried with them beyond suicide. This is not intended to sound like a form of ‘punishment’ or ‘fear mongering’ but rather, a simple possibility.
Of course we really can’t know for certain what happens to consciousness after death, and what happens to our souls.
Just pausing to contemplate this possibility was enough for Daniel to take down the rope that was hanging in their home.
I was told that this was the most profound thing anyone has ever said to him; no psychiatrist, no psychologist, no hospital staff, no police officer, no one has ever made Daniel seriously pause and reflect to this degree about their motivating choice for suicide. Up until this point, ending his life was the only answer to end his pain, and the thought that his pain would not go away was enough for them to change his entire belief system and shift his motivation towards a path of healing.
It is as if the brain rewired a whole new possibility and belief, replacing the old habitual response.
I am not a psychologist or certified social worker of any sorts. I am merely a person who has direct experience with darkness and healing and has navigated my way through using birth and midwifery as a powerful guiding metaphor.
I believe that feeling understood and heard, without any hidden agenda or protocols, opens up the space for true support and healing to occur.
Further reading check out:
A friend of mine wrote this note in response to numerous suicides in our community: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tad-hargrave/the-shattered-stone-of-loss-the-terrible-gift-of-suicide/10152213726459032
A Ted Talk that speaks honestly about the impact of suicide: http://www.ted.com/talks/kevin_briggs_the_bridge_between_suicide_and_life#t-832324
Note: I have been given permission to speak of this story by those involved. Names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved. I am grateful to be witnessing this persons journey of healing.